(a photo from a day of playing around in a public pool with my brother and the underwater camera YP gave me bless her)
Recently my anxiety has decided to materialize into a physical being I call Aunty Anxiety. Aunty Anxiety knocks on my door often and always. Aunty Anxiety sleeps in my bed, she sits in the corner and she envelopes me in a suffocating embrace although you gotta believe me I don't hate Aunty Anxiety at all. In fact, I share my bed, I let her sit wherever she wants and I pat her on the back like a socially-awkward family member at a wedding. Aunty Anxiety has grown on me, really.
Like a rash.
Tonight, I lay awake. Everyone in the house is asleep and the only sound I can hear as I type this is my fingers going tap-tap-tap on this keyboard and the sound of my fan spinning and spinning. Why am I awake? Because Aunty Anxiety's being theatrical as usual and has me at gunpoint tonight, simply because she wants me to owe up to one simple fact.
That I am scared.
Yes, oh God, I am scared of the future.
Are you happy now, Aunty Anxiety? Ok, cool.
But despite all my fears, despite Aunty Anxiety's constant presence recently, it has come to my realization that it is time for me to leave the country. A few nights ago, just the very thought of leaving made me so sick that I felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean. My own thoughts were like strong currents pushing me down, leaving my limbs failing to flail and all I could taste - all I could think! - was saltwater so bitter I could cry. Aunty Anxiety's really into the ocean, if you couldn't tell. She's really crafty.
Now, why the sudden realization? I won't say I think I'm ready - God knows I will never be a 100% ready - and truth be told I am far from ready. What I truly know is that I need to grow. The one thing that has always anchored me my whole life has always been my family. I love each and everyone that makes up this merry band - from father to Mak Cik Yus to Juju the cat - where every little quirk and every little bump I cherish with all my angst-ridden soon-to-be-pseudo teen heart. Therefore, with this, I owe it to them to leave so I could learn and grow into someone who can be an anchor for them instead. I know that I will worry about them, often, and it is a worry that cannot be so easily soothed. But for what I could do for them once I've become my own person, I can shoulder it. I must.
Another thing that tells me that it is time for me to leave to America is what I'm leaving behind. To be perfectly honest, nothing much. My high school life has been abysmal in the sense where I spent most of my time daydreaming and wanting more out of this life just like a Disney princess and focusing what's left on stupid and shallow things. These things aren't even worth a crumb now in any possible currency.
One thing I would be grateful for though, is how college made me feel completely above and beyond whatever my high school made me feel. Of course, obviously college wasn't a walk in the park. Some t-shirts I could make and sell about my college life would have slogans like "I Got My Heart Broken In College" or "I Got Stuck With Horrible Groupmates In College" or "I Thought I Met My Best Friend Forever In College" and the list goes on and on. What made college really wonderful for me was the friends I have made and the person I have become.
Seriously, God bless the people I've met in college. More specifically, never have I met a group of ladies who could possibly love me - Me! With all my fallacies even when Aunty Anxiety isn't in the picture! - and even harder still, get me to love myself a little more. Give those girls a goddamn medal! I owe it to these people too, just like my family, to grow and to learn and most importantly, leave something behind that I could be absolutely and unabashedly proud of.
Because I am and I can be proud of myself! This is a fact that my anxiety nor my fears take away from me!
As I finish this all fired up, Aunty Anxiety is packing up her things as she has no means to stay for now. I do know that once she slips past that door, she will come back. She always does. But again, I do not hate her existence nor wish her gone. She isn't a villain that one vanquishes at the end of a movie or book or game. Really, Aunty Anxiety is a part of me I'm still in the process of accepting and trying to live with. So yes, she can visit all she wants as I know that I am just as ready to say goodbye to her each damn time.
Here's to some sleep and hope to post again soon, Xx.
Here's to some sleep and hope to post again soon, Xx.
